Day 6 today...

Still making it!  Sometimes it's so easy it's like "how could I ever smoke, it's so disgusting!"  And then out of nowhere sometimes in the same minute my body and mind say "oh go smoke now, it's time".  So irritating, but I guess that's all it is really is an irritance.  

I'm focusing on staying busy and trying not to think about what's around the corner still.  I know this will only make it harder for me.  The future is coming no matter what right?  So worrying about it will help how?   Oh that's right, it won't help at all, what a waste of energy to even think about it then huh? :)

I made some chilli last night in the crock pot, I'll have it for dinner tonight with some cornbread muffins.  mmmmmmm!  The Yankees lost last night :( didn't make my boyfriend very happy, I really hope they play better tonight otherwise he's gonna be a bear all weekend!

So what I'm doing to stay busy is a few things that I've been meaning to improve for sometime now.

• Working out more.  This hasn't acutally happened yet (ha!) but I have plans to go for a hike on Saturday morning with a friend and I've been going to the trainer twice a week.  I do need to include some cardio (UGH and YIKES) into my routine soon, I know it will only help but somehow I'm scared to commit to anything...dumb!
• Cooking more.  Well cooking at all would be an improvement!  I'm the queen of take out, makes me lazy, fatter, and poorer.  So last night it was Chilli, and I'm just going to pick a few recipes each week and go for it.  The good thing is that even if I mess them up terribly my boyfriend will still eat them cause he hates wasting food :)
• Getting rid of old stuff.  This one is huge!  For some reason I just always have too much stuff.  I'm not a hoarder or anything and all my things pretty well fit, but I buy new things and never get rid of anything old, just makes me feel a little weighted down by it all.  I could probably get away with half the amount of stuff that I actually have, especially clothes.  So many clothes hanging in my closet that I never wear, it's ridiculous.  Also old photo's from my marriage that I really don't want to keep around me anymore.  Boxes of stuff that I don't even know what's in!  So I'm going to spend an hour or two each night just sorting and giving away until I feel a little more carefree :)
• Working on my style.  This is a new one, and I'm not quite sure how to tackle it yet.  I know my clothing style is way too boring and now that I have time on my hands because I don't have to smoke all the time I'd really like to feel a little more put together.  Like I have a style that really represents who I am.  Should be interesting to develop....lets see!

So that's whats keeping me distracted and moving forward these days.  I think it's all really important stuff, and perhaps a reason I haven't been successfull at quitting smoking in the past is that I didn't really take the time or spend the energy to change anything else about my behaviours at the same time.  So I always ended up feeling depressed like I'd lost something.  This time I have so much to gain.....

Day 5!

Wow, I can't believe it!  I'm doing really well everyone.  Still for sure wanting to smoke, but more than wanting a cigarette I want to be a non-smoker.  I guess that's really all there  is to it isn't it?  Want to not smoke more than want to smoke!

Seems so simple, still it's new and a little early to say I've kicked this thing.  I'm forcing myself not to think about the future because as soon as I do I panic!  So I could sit here and tell you all the horrible images I'm having of me caving in 6 weeks from now and blowing my program, but honestly that's just not going to help anything.

My only goal today is to not smoke.  So far so good, and tomorrow I can worry about then!  Hope all is well out there in blogger land :)
~the non-smoking me ;) 

Congratulations are in order!

Well, I've made it through day 3.  At least I will have when I go to bed in an hour or so.  Going to bed early is helpful and I'm terrible at it so I figure 9:00 is probably a good time.

I did well today.  Deffinitely had a few trying moments this morning when I was just pretty irritable with everyone around me.  Not so bad though that I couldn't keep myself together.  Had a few craves to smoke this afternoon, a few thoughts of "just one", but I was fairly easily able to just change my thoughts to something else.

Only broke down in tears once, I think that's pretty good really!  When I think about how I'm going to manage the future without smoking is when I start to go downhill.  If I can just keep my thoughts focused on the moment I do really well.

The reason the future scares me is because in the past when I've quit (once for 3 months, once for 6 weeks) I usually go through a pretty hard core depressive stage.  Quitting smoking sort of opens me up and makes me evaluate my life.  NG, NG! ha, Not Good!  It's just that I then have to face the fact that I'm out of shape, single and boring. 

It's important that I remember that my number one goal is to be a non-smoker, however I am going to HAVE to take steps to better these other areas of my life as it's all part of the process.  Loving myself is how I'm going to make positive changes, and making positive changes is going to allow me to love myself.  Vicious cycle?  I dunno I think there's another way to look at it.  It's not that it's a vicious cycle, it's more that the two go hand in hand.  So I need to be happy with small improvemnts, not get too upset with setbacks and just keep my priorites straight.  Ask myself if the choice I'm making is going to help move me towards my goals.

Today my only goal is to not smoke, so far so good!  Tomorrow my goal is to not smoke and cook myself some dinner.  Easy yeah?

Proud of me!

Monday morning and day 3 of not smoking!

Usually day three is supposed to be one of the hardest.  When I get to 11:00 tonight it will have been 72 hours smoke free so the nicotine is pretty much all gone from my system.  Until then it's like a last ditch effort on the part of the nicotine demanding I put more into my body so it can have what it's used to.

Fact is I feel pretty good!  I really feel fairly solid in being able to do this.  Of course I'm having thoughts of wanting a cigarette or thinking just one would be so good right now.  But really I'm able to focus on the idea that I don't want to smoke, and just kind of leave it at that.  It was fairly easy this weekend, my boyfriend really helped keep me distracted and on target for most of the time.  On my own today, but still feeling the nice strong resolve it takes to keep saying NO when the urge to have one comes up.  So just focusing on the positive and saying NOPE whenever I get an urge!

Some things that have changed already...

• I don't smell like an ashtray :)  Although when I cough or breath deep I do still smell stale smoke, gross!
• My skin is already starting to look better :)  I did go buy some new products to help the healing move along a bit faster
• I've already saved $25.00!  woooohoooo, that's amazing! ( I spend $100 on the above products! ha)
• I feel better about myself - a little tense and jittery, but mostly I'm proud!
• I'm feeling the desire to make other positive changes to my life and feeling like I can finally take my health seriously.

The first two are the best so far.  Those were the two main reasons I wanted to stop smoking in the first place and man such a quick improvement is pretty motivating. What happens 24 hours after quitting.

So today is a good day, just focusing on what's right in front of me and not worrying about what's to come down the road.  I think I'll go post a little on the about.com forum, see if I can inspire someone just to make it to day 3!

Making it 18 hours feels right

Hi all,
So I'm feeling pretty good actually.  Not terribly spacey and not stressed out either.  Kind of just trying to take the day slowly and focus on keeping busy.  I'm not so much having nicotine fits, more like thoughts of 'have you seriously decided never to smoke agian?'  This is my brain reacting to the sudden lack of stimulant it's used to.  It's almost like I don't believe myself, but yes I have decided that I will never smoke again.  I know for a fact that if I have just one I'll be back to a pack (or two) a day in no time.  It's just how it works for me.

Don't have time to say much more, but I'll be back tomorrow with an update on how my new smoke free life is going! :)

Well that went well...

Ok so I failed already!  My man bought tickets to the Angels Yankees playoff game and I couldn't imagine facing it without smoking so before we even went to the game I bought 2 packs of cigarettes.  I felt like such a jerk telling him that I needed to postpone my quit date, but I did it anyway.  He was sweet and understanding, but I still felt like such a loser!

The thought of drinking a few beers and being at a stadium where they actually still let you smoke scared the crap outta me.  That might seem ridiculous to some of you, but if you've ever been a smoker I think you can understand.  Day 1 and I'm gonna be drunk - there is no way I can handle that!  I feel bad that I didn't even try.  That I didn't say "just go for it", if you have to smoke you can bum one!  But I didn't, I used the game as an excuse to keep on with my addiction.  Sad :(

So, we had a great time, Angels won which pissed my guy off to no end but made me pretty happy :)  We did drink and I did smoke.  I smoked the whole pack and then opened the second one!  We got home pretty late last night and I didn't get much sleep.  So instead of just chucking the rest of the pack I allowed myself to smoke all day thinking "well I can't quit now, I'm tired and hung over, I'll quit tomorrow".  So after work when I'd finished yet another pack of cigarettes I bought...JUST ONE MORE! (impossible to quit when I've already smoked today right?).

This is what they call "Junkie Thinking" and man is it a bitch to fight with.  Stupid nicotine addicted part of me just will find any excuse to put this off!  Here I am again, staying up late getting in the last of my fix before I quit AGAIN tomorrow.  See, just like the typical junkie, it's always tomorrow...

Nothings changed, I still hate myself for being a smoker.  The rules are the same...Just Don't Smoke!!!  I've just lit the second to last one in the pack and when it's done and I'm done writing this post I'm tearing up the last one and going to bed, a non smoker!  really! :)

I'll have to reset my quit meter as I only lasted about 5 hours on Thursday.  Quit time will be 11:14 pm on Friday, October 23rd 2009.  Any of you think I can actually do this?  I do.  I want this.  It's the most important thing to me in my life right now.  It's the first (and hardest) step I need to take to be the person I want to be.  Changing is hard, but WTF? can't smoke forever unless I want to die of lung cancer! 

I really can't wait for my skin to start looking better and to not stink, I know that sounds vain but those are the two things that make me hate smoking the most.  Yes I know it's killing me, but that's hard to put your finger on you know?  So it's pretty, vibrant skin I'm looking for and clean smelling clothes and hair that are going to keep me motivated tomorrow.  Maybe when I go to bed tomorrow night I won't wheeze like an old person, that'd be kinda nice too.

I'd say wish me luck, but I know luck has nothing to do with it.  Wish me strength please!

Night~

A last goodbye

Well this is it!  I'm here smoking my last cigarette before drowning the rest of the pack and never smoking again!  So many emotions running through me at the moment including;
Sadness that I'm losing a companion.
Worried that I won't be able to do it even for an hour in the morning.
Anger that I ever got addicted in the first place.
Frustration that it's so damn hard to let them go even though I know they are killing me!
Loneliness.
Numb from worrying about it all the time.
Hope that I really can break free.
Doubt in myself and my inner strength.


What I'd like to be feeling is strength and determination.  I think these will come as I start to prove to myself each hour that I'm getting through it.  Currently I feel neither of these things.

I've bought a lot of fruit and healthy snacks for tomorrow and I'm just going to drink lots of water and keep telling myself that I really can do this.  A positive approach is going to be key.  Not feeling it at the moment, but I think that's pretty normal. 

I didn't end up taking the Chantix, decided to just go for it with the Welbutrin instead.  The Chantix gives me really bad insomnia, and didn't really seem to help with the depression last time.  I'm really just counting on myself to do this and the antidepressant to help in a few weeks when the depression really kicks in. 

My boyfriend might buy tickets for the Angels v. Yankees game tomorrow.  I'd love to go but almost hope he doesn't come through with them because I'd be very tempted to drink at the game and that would make things harder on me.  I have a really hard time counting on myself to do what I know is right, that's so irritating!  It makes me feel very weak, and now that I think about it, that's what smoking all these years has been about.  If I'm a smoker I have little value therefore it's ok to let myself down all the time.  Succeeding at beating this addiction for just 24 hours will give me some renewed strength to know I can be counted on.  Very important...*read this tomorrow*.

So this is goodbye to a crutch that has been with me for 21 years.  A crutch that has stolen my self esteem, my youthful appearance, my physical health, my money, my time, and my true identity.  It's time to get those things back...wish me luck!

I quit! For me!!!

Last day smoking!

 I'm going for it!  I was setting up to quit on Friday morning, but I am seriously over it at this point!  I'm not waiting one more day to prolong the inevitable which is feeling like crap for a few weeks or months until I get this monkey off my back.  So today is the day...the last day I will ever have to call myself a nasty smoker!  I'm pretty excited, and of course nervous but fact is it's never going to get easier so I might as well just make today the day :)

Wish me luck all...I'll need it.  And you'll be hearing from me often I'm sure as I 'll need stuff to do when I'm going out of my mind with nicotine withdrawls.

Here's to the rest of my healthy life! <3

Tuesday is better than Monday.

Ok so maybe I overreacted some...

Amazing how worked up I got over a fairly harmless email that really was more sweet and loving than anything else.  My mind is off kilter a bit, I guess being in a relationship that seems so insecure for the last 10 months has done a number on me.  Also the impending quit smoking date is wreaking havoc on my rationale.  Either way I kind of feel like a fool for that last blog post, pretty embarrassed that I could get myself so worked into a tissy like that.  Just goes to show you how fragile I really am, how fragile we all can be.

The facts haven't changed, just my perspective on some of them have.
Fact - I need and want to quit smoking
Fact - I need and want to lose 40 lbs
Fact - My boyfriend is difficult, and I still love him

Quitting Smoking -
I can't allow this to become a chore, or to become something I'm forcing myself to do for anyone other than me.  I will not succeed if my attitude towards the process isn't positive.  Homework for this today is to read articles like this one on the about.com smoking cessation pages.  Adjusting my attitude is key to success!

Losing Weight -
Continuing to make the best choices I can about what I put into my body is the best way to accomplish this goal.  I don't have to lose 40 lbs today, I just have to make better choices and remember that it's the long run I'm concerened about, not what my unhealthy body and mind are craving at this moment.

Difficult Boyfriend -
I have a choice, stay with him and accept the relationship for what it is, or leave.  This seems so simple but as you all probably know it's far from it.  Love is a tricky thing, no one is perfect.  Chemistry is important but so are values and life goals.  Evaluating these things from as objective a view point as possible is healthy and possible.

I do actually feel fairly confident about quitting smoking.  I know I want it.  I've cleaned out the car but not had it detailed yet.  I've cleaned the house but still smoked in it.  These two things were on my to do list but have only half-heartedly been accomplished.  Trying not to be too worried about it as really when I quit on Friday morning, I quit right?  I need to stay focused on my most important goal...becoming a non-smoker!  In a sense I can't wait for Friday to get here.  The anxiety leading up to the big day can be so overwhelming!  I know I can do this, just need to keep reminding myself of that FACT.

I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can quit smoking!  I can, I can, I can!!!!!

A broken heart is physical pain!

I have never felt so low.  I can hardly describe the sadness and pain I'm feeling.  It's like nothing matters and there is no point to my life.  I couldn't tell you the last time I felt like jumping off a cliff seemed like the easiest solution, but it's been a very long time.  Today it feels easier than trying to get through this pain.  Writing is helping, it's making me see how ridiculous I sound.  I'm 37 years old and finally having my heart broken.  OUCH!  It's not his fault I feel like this, it's because I don't love myself and my life that I'm in such terrible pain.  I almost feel like I've quit smoking today, but I haven't.  As a matter of fact I have no idea how I'm going to conquer that next week when today I don't even feel like I can go to work like this.  It's not that I can't go to work or move forward, it's that I don't want to.  Of course I can, I'm one of the strongest people I know when it comes to facing emotional battles and just pushing through.  It's because I can make myself see things rationally that I can get through things and come out stronger, but today I'm not really sure why I would bother. 

I'm not the person I want to be.  I don't feel like I have the strength to be the person I want to be.  I've lived for so many years in this cloud that I'm not sure I can find my way out.  Like it's too late, like I've ruined it all and taking baby steps is a fucking joke!  I hate that I'm a smoker, I hate that I'm fat, I hate that I don't really have any passions or true interests that make me want to put in the effort to live life. 

I've always suffered from depression, even as a little girl I found it very hard to enjoy life and think highly of myself the way others seemed to.  I was not abused.  I have an amazing family compared to most of the world and still I found a way to become a victim.  A victim to my own behaviors and thought patterns.  Somewhere around 25 I let a lot of the hopelessness go and found a way to make strides in my life.  I got my degree, got married, started taking over the business, paying my bills, relying on myself, loving who I am for the strengths I do have.  This is temporary, I know this.  It doesn't feel internal (sort of), it doesn't feel like despair from within, it feels situational.  One massive fucking situation that is my life! ha! 

I'm not going to kill myself, just so we're all clear on that.  I realize that's not a solution and that I can find happiness in my life.  Just can't remember what it looks like at this very moment.  Getting drunk sounds like a solution, it's not.  Driving away in my car and not coming back sounds like a solution too, it's also not.  The solution is going and cleaning out my car so I can have it shampooed like I planned to do today.  And then just keep moving forward with the plans I have for getting healthier and treating myself better.  This plan includes quitting smoking first, and exercising and eating right to create the body I want.  It's not about looks, although that does play a part.  It's about living a healthy life so I can be a good partner and find a good partner.  It's about being active and enjoying my earth.  Having a healthy body so I can take on the challenges that come our way in life. 

The other thing I need to do is to find a way to let him go.  I don't want to.  How am I ever going to find the courage to move on from him when I don't want to?  When I finally left my husband it had taken me 5 years to find the courage to do that, and I'd wanted to the whole time.  How am I possibly going to find the courage to walk away from this guy when I don't even want to let him go????? 

I guess the answer to that is to discover why I don't want to let him go when I'm in so much pain all the time.  How can I want to stay with a man who brings such misery into my life?  I've never wanted something so badly that was so bad for me.  Except smoking and not exercising and eating badly that is :p.  My dad is an amazing man, and he and my mom have this truely beautiful love that they share.  Where did I learn to love men that don't love me back?  Shitty!  Makes me feel like a real loser because I have nothing in my history that should have driven me here.  All of a sudden I find myself felling like an abused woman and upon reflection it's how my marriage was as well.  Neither of these guys are bad guys, they don't hit me or anything, but there is this emotional abuse I allow that manifests in not demandign the love I deserve.  I have this amazingly large capacity for loving, perhaps I'll never feel it back the way I think it's supposed to feel. 

I've cried for hours now, cried until I just feel worn out from it.  And still I want him in my life...why???  Inertia.  I'm stuck, not moving, and I will stay this way until I apply an outside force to create momentum to move forward.  Once moving forward the law of inertia suggests that forward movement will be the norm.  I just need to snap the ties and go.....This is where the baby steps come in right?  I hate baby steps, always have!  I'm a pretty all or nothing thinker, not a healthy way to be at all.

My mind is a mess, I'l have to get back to this later.  For now all I can think is that I need a distraction to stop the physical pain I keep feeling when I try to process where I am.

Who me, an Angel?

Glad it's Friday!  I run a manufacturing business, it's a family affair but mom and dad aren't so involved anymore, it's really just me and my sister.  Not enough work to keep all the factory staff employed at the moment so instead of laying people off I decided to close the factory today.  I hate this, but all in all we're doing ok as far as a small family business's go.  Phones are quiet so I decided to "toon" myself...I think I did pretty well :)

I put braces on her because since that photo was taken I did get braces!  They've been on since February of this year, and I really should only have another 2 months or so before I get them off, THANK GOD! HA!  Really not any fun, just ask my guy! Actually he's been really good about it and often jokes that he's got food stuck in his braces, or how lucky he is to be dating a 16 year old ;).  My teeth are actually getting made smaller, lol yes that's possible.  I'll post some before and afters for you, when I have some afters that is!

I should have made her fatter, but that wasn't an option.  I guess they figure if you're making a cartoon of yourself it's your best self, or the self you wish you were?  Cartoons aren't exactly reality are they! :)

In one week I'm giving up the cigarettes for good!  I'm feeling pretty ready for the change.  Being a smoker is such a drag (pun intended).  I stink all the time, my boyfriend hates it, and honestly it's just time to let that old self go.  I know it's gonna suck for a while, but I'm just going to have to deal with that and not be a baby about it!  UGH, remind me I said that next Friday would ya?

It's the weekend...BASEBALL! I'm a Padres fan, but since we didn't make it anywhere near the playoffs and I can't even think of rooting for the Dodgers, AND my man is a Yankees fan...GO ANGELS ;)

I Nearly Vomited!

I have a personal trainer that I see twice a week.  Yesterday we did leg extensions until I nearly puked.  He's so good at what he does, I never would have pushed myself that hard on my own at the gym!  I've been going to him for over a year now and he really has helped me tone and shape my body.  Of course I'm still 50 lbs overweight because I don't do cardio or monitor what I eat, but that's hardly his fault (damnit!) haha.  So when I do finally get rid of this fat exterior I know there will be a nice shapely form underneath. By the way, the women below are all considered plus size...

Well I didn't puke, I went home (barely able to drive my car because my legs were so spent) and just relaxed.  I felt so good for having really pushed my body to a point that I didn't really believe in my head I could go.  See what makes him so good at his job?  Anyway, here's my problem...

I go to him twice a week, but it takes 45 minutes to get there, 1 hour workout, and then 45 minutes home again.  That's 2.5 hours and about 70 miles round trip twice a week!  I find this time so exhausting, not to mention a waste of gas.  I'm just not sure how committed I am to keeping this up.  It relates to smoking because while I know I need to stay busy and keep (increase) my exercise it's also a huge trigger to smoke to spend long amounts of time in the car alone.  Guess I need to make a list and see what flushes out yeah?

Pros:
He's awesome and I get a great work out.
Forces me to at least lift weight (which I hate without him) 2 times a week. (my only form of exercise at the moment).
He charges me about 75% of what anyone in my area would, and if he has to cancel, or I do we just make it up somewhere.
I just genuinely like the guy.
If I was doing cardio and eating right he would surely have me in the best shape of my life.
I like my work out partner.

Cons:
Time to get there and back seems so wasteful.
Gas is expensive.
Traffic is irritating.
Driving is a huge trigger to chain smoke.

Well that's kind of the crux of the matter.  Honestly when I look at these lists it's pretty obvious to me that while I'm quitting smoking (first 3 months) I need to just solidify my commitment to making the drive and finding a different way to help the drive be less of a trigger.  Amazing what listing it all out does!  Ok, gonna go work on that commitment thingy.  Oh and for the weekend it's time to clean out the car and get it detailed.  I love my car, wish I'd never smoked in it! 

10 Tips

I found these tips on another website, I think they'll be key to my success.  It's not like I don't know this stuff, it's just that having tools like lists and a plan is really helpful when times are going to get rough.

1. Drink a lot of liquids, especially water
2. Avoid sugar and fatty food
3. Exercise regularly and moderately.
4. Get more sleep
5. Take deep breaths
6. Change your habits

7. Do something to reduce your stress

8. Remind yourself every day why you are quitting
9. Avoid places you connect with smoking
10. Rely on your friends, family, and support group for help 

ToDo list, before quitting smoking next Thursday

I promised myself I'd write a ToDo list that was short and to the point.  I'm not very good at getting right to the heart of the matter in my writing, but I'm working on it  So here goes...

• Clean car.
• Get car detailed.
• Buy groceries - healthy snacks and real food to prepare as something to do while at home.
• Take meds - set an alarm for this on my iphone, its working!
• Make an announcement to friends, maybe facebook is a good way to do this.
• Go to about.com and read all the articles again as well as find support from the smoking cessation forum

Well that's a pretty good list.  Nothing on there that shouldn't be, and I don't think I've omitted anything either!  The heart is here to remind myself that this whole process is about self love.

1 week, 1 day, Scared and Excited

I have just over 1 week to go as being a smoker.  I'm scared, scared that I won't be able to let them go.  I'm nervous, nervous for how the first few days will go and if I'll be able to act like a normal person.  I'm excited, excited that this might actually be the time I make the change I'm so desperate to make.

They say you won't succeed if you don't really want it.  This is very confusing to me.  Do I want to be a smoker? NO!  Do I want to fail at quitting smoking AGAIN? Of course not!  Do I want to smoke?  Yes, at the moment I do...I am an addict!  I have to find a way to stop this worrying about the quitting process, it's making me crazy.  Everytime I think about not being able to smoke anymore I sort of panic and immediately light one up.  I know this is just part of the process, and when the actual quit date comes around it's a little easier than the days leading up to it.

You see I've done this before...no kidding!  Most smokers have to quit many times before they get it right.  Quitting and starting up again is soul destroying, it's like the ultimate in failure.  You were a smoker, you managed to break free for (1 week, 6 weeks, 3 months, 1 year) and then you started back up again??? Are you insane?  

It's such a powerful addiction, I'm always amazed to hear how ex-smokers having quit for 3 years start back up.  Just goes to show one that beign on guard forever is key to beating this addiction.  I myself have never gone longer than 3 months without a cigarette since I first started smoking at 16 years old.  That struggle with nicotine addiction ended in divorce for me...right, divorce!  I don't regret leaving my marriage, I was miserable, but this kind of life change is scary.  What will this next round bring me?  Will I quit running the family business? Ha!  I really can't allow myself to think like that, it's pointless.

Smoking creates a "smoke screen" for me.  It allows me to ignore any other area of my life that's unsatisfying because none of it matters if I'm a dirty smoker.  Not sure if that makes much sense to anyone else, but it's how the loop plays in my head.  What's the point of trying to lose weight or exercise if I'm a smoker?  It's all junk, but it's there.  So quitting smoking lifts that screen and makes me have to really evaluate my life for what it is.  This scares the bejesus out of me!

So quitting smoking is the first and most important step to becoming the person I want to be moving forward in my life.  Whether I actually want to or not when I'm craving a cigarette is of little importance.  I'm just going to have to do it anyway because ultimately I do not want to be a smoker!

Here again are my list of reasons...

Finding Inspiration

Thanks to a great find of http://exhotgirl.blogspot.com I've been totally inspired to keep this blog going and update my progress daily! This blog she writes is awesome. It's not pretentious or overly deep, it's just honest and more "real life" than most things published. Thanks a lot exhotgirl, I'm not even caught up yet but you should know I'm following in your footsteps because you're setting a great example of how to follow through and make your goals a reality!

I've never been good at keeping a Diary. I've always wanted to, found the idea appealing like there really is a record of my life. I start, write for a few evenings and then put it down after 3 days of entries. I go on with my life and then about six months later I pick up the diary, read the last few entries and realize I'm still facing the same issues I wrote about last time. Perhaps writing here will help me stay focused and actually keep up entries knowing that someone else might be reading. That's the hope anyway. I'll need to start by finding a voice. Am I writing to myself or am I writing to the masses? Perhaps I'm writing to my better self, or to a reader who has a genuine concern for my issues? I think I'll be writing as myself to anyone who cares to listen. The goal is to be honest with myself and finally find a way to hold myself accountable to my goals.

I always write ToDo lists and never do anything with them. This is irritating and kind of soul destroying when I find my lists repeating time after time the same actions that are never taken. I often write vague instructions like "lose weight" haha, yeah really helpful! I do have quite a few things I'll need to do in the coming week to be as prepared as possible for my quit date of the 23rd of October 2009. I think I'll write a ToDo list that's short and to the point, with specific action items that I can accomplish.

A Quit Date!

Finally managed to set a quit date! October 23rd is the day I get my life back (want it or not!). I started taking Welbutrin last Friday, and will start taking Chantix this Friday the 16th. The Welbutrin will help with the oncoming depression that stems from cigarettes supplying my brain with dopamine that will suddenly be cut off. The Chantix actually blocks the nicotonic receptors in my brain so smoking doesn't give one the high they're used to and cigarettes become exactly what they are...stinky, disgusting, vile cancer sticks!

Yay for a plan, nervous and hopeful I can make the change I want to. I'm thinking it would be a good idea to stop smoking in my car and house soon, to make the transition a little less difficult. I'd like to get my car detailed so I'll make an appointment for that and it will be the day I stop smoking while driving (huge trigger). The house always smells best on a Monday night, because it's clean so Sunday the 18th will be the last night I smoke in there.

October 9th - Start Welbutrin
October 15th - Get car detailed and not smoke in it after that
October 16th - Start Chantix
October 18th - Last night of smoking in the house
October 22nd - Last day of smoking!
October 23rd - The real me can have a chance...

What else has to change?

In order to actually accomplish my goal of being a non-smoker there are other things in my life that will need to change. Smoking is a crutch, and once I let it go there will be many things that come up that I'll have to find new ways to deal with.

After the initial 3 days the nicotine is basically out of your system. Three weeks into the process most of the other chemicals contained in cigarette smoke are gone as well. This is a very rough time physically, but honestly the hard work really starts about then. It becomes an emotional journey that requires strength of character and determination in order to get through.

So the immediate things that need to change are:
Eating breakfast and making sure I have healthy snacks available throughout the day. Gotta go grocery shopping.

• Drinking lots and lots of water. Just get your Sigg out and go to town.
• Keeping busy... HA! this is the hard one when my life can often just be about sitting around and smoking cigarettes all day! Some ideas include...
• Going to the gym and getting a good cardio work-out in
• Joining a dance class
• Volunteering
• Making dates with non-smoking friends
• Going for a bike ride
• Meditating or going to Yoga
• Taking a bath
• Shopping, getting a pedicure, watching the sunset, reading a great book...

All of these things will help, the trick is to do them consistently. It's really about finding a way to do the behaviours even if I don't yet feel the value of them. It's funny, for a woman who actually does love herself and thinks her life is of high value I honestly have no idea how to take care of myself!

That's what this blog is for.. good start!

My Reasons to Quit Smoking

I will start with my list of reasons that I am quitting smoking. This will be permanent but as I go I will make additions. Like anyone needs a list right? hahaha.. they're evil! Start with that!

• I can't sleep at night because I've had so much nicotine in me all day.
• My lungs ache from smoking more than 1.5 packs each day.
• I stink!
• I spend $10.00 a day on cigarettes...that's $3,500 a year or $70,400 I've already wasted.
• Smoking is the number one thing I want to change about my life.
• I can't take my health seriously until I am a non-smoker
• I care about the environment and then throw cigarette butts on the ground, that makes me a hypocrite.
• My grandmother died of emphysema. I don't want to die the same way.
• I hate giving big tobacco my money.
• I don't have to continue being a drug addict.
• My life is worth more to me than a pack of cigarettes.
• I can't be the person I want to be if I continue to smoke.
• Smoking isn't sexy!
• I want to climb mountains and live free.
• I want to have children someday and mommies don't smoke.
• There isn't anything else in my life that makes me hate myself the way that cigarettes do.
• I don't want to make everyone wait for me while I feed my addiction.
• I don't want to have to go outside and miss things because I need a fix.
• I don't want to be a junkie.
• I want to smell beautiful.
• I want to love myself enough to not kill myself.
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_8BerrJg0M (thanks tobacco, you killed my mom)
• I hate being a slave.
• I want my power back!
• My teeth are yellow.
• I don't want to die of cancer, heart disease, or lung problems at a young age.
• I want to feel in control of my life!!!

I've had enough

Well it's time. Time to find a way to make a change. What really percipitated this feeling of needing a new life? I guess that would be MEN! ha :)

I was divorced 2 years ago...and not enough has changed in my life since. I'm still bored with myself and totally out of balance. I'd like to find a new partner to share my life with but honestly I just don't have enough of me to share yet. So this is the journey. The journey that leads me to the person I believe I can be. The person that has so much to share.

First order of business is to quit smoking. I quit for six weeks in February of this year. I did well until I let a man take the wind out of my sails. Any of you that have ever smoked will know how hard it is to let it go...however, it is doable but it requires certain changes to be made. No longer can I hide behind a smoke screen and just disengage out of my life. Quitting smoking brings lots of issues up to the forefront of ones mind. Thus the changes needed in my life are finally finding a way to be priorities to me. YAY! (sorta) ha :)

By the way...I am in life a very honest person, I plan to be the same here. If you are easily offended or don't want to hear the reality of my situation I suggest you don't read any further. Honesty with myself and you all is the only way I am going to get to the place I need to be to make the changes I want to make. Read on if you like :)