1 week, 1 day, Scared and Excited

I have just over 1 week to go as being a smoker.  I'm scared, scared that I won't be able to let them go.  I'm nervous, nervous for how the first few days will go and if I'll be able to act like a normal person.  I'm excited, excited that this might actually be the time I make the change I'm so desperate to make.

They say you won't succeed if you don't really want it.  This is very confusing to me.  Do I want to be a smoker? NO!  Do I want to fail at quitting smoking AGAIN? Of course not!  Do I want to smoke?  Yes, at the moment I do...I am an addict!  I have to find a way to stop this worrying about the quitting process, it's making me crazy.  Everytime I think about not being able to smoke anymore I sort of panic and immediately light one up.  I know this is just part of the process, and when the actual quit date comes around it's a little easier than the days leading up to it.

You see I've done this before...no kidding!  Most smokers have to quit many times before they get it right.  Quitting and starting up again is soul destroying, it's like the ultimate in failure.  You were a smoker, you managed to break free for (1 week, 6 weeks, 3 months, 1 year) and then you started back up again??? Are you insane?  

It's such a powerful addiction, I'm always amazed to hear how ex-smokers having quit for 3 years start back up.  Just goes to show one that beign on guard forever is key to beating this addiction.  I myself have never gone longer than 3 months without a cigarette since I first started smoking at 16 years old.  That struggle with nicotine addiction ended in divorce for me...right, divorce!  I don't regret leaving my marriage, I was miserable, but this kind of life change is scary.  What will this next round bring me?  Will I quit running the family business? Ha!  I really can't allow myself to think like that, it's pointless.

Smoking creates a "smoke screen" for me.  It allows me to ignore any other area of my life that's unsatisfying because none of it matters if I'm a dirty smoker.  Not sure if that makes much sense to anyone else, but it's how the loop plays in my head.  What's the point of trying to lose weight or exercise if I'm a smoker?  It's all junk, but it's there.  So quitting smoking lifts that screen and makes me have to really evaluate my life for what it is.  This scares the bejesus out of me!

So quitting smoking is the first and most important step to becoming the person I want to be moving forward in my life.  Whether I actually want to or not when I'm craving a cigarette is of little importance.  I'm just going to have to do it anyway because ultimately I do not want to be a smoker!

Here again are my list of reasons...