Well that went well...

Ok so I failed already!  My man bought tickets to the Angels Yankees playoff game and I couldn't imagine facing it without smoking so before we even went to the game I bought 2 packs of cigarettes.  I felt like such a jerk telling him that I needed to postpone my quit date, but I did it anyway.  He was sweet and understanding, but I still felt like such a loser!

The thought of drinking a few beers and being at a stadium where they actually still let you smoke scared the crap outta me.  That might seem ridiculous to some of you, but if you've ever been a smoker I think you can understand.  Day 1 and I'm gonna be drunk - there is no way I can handle that!  I feel bad that I didn't even try.  That I didn't say "just go for it", if you have to smoke you can bum one!  But I didn't, I used the game as an excuse to keep on with my addiction.  Sad :(

So, we had a great time, Angels won which pissed my guy off to no end but made me pretty happy :)  We did drink and I did smoke.  I smoked the whole pack and then opened the second one!  We got home pretty late last night and I didn't get much sleep.  So instead of just chucking the rest of the pack I allowed myself to smoke all day thinking "well I can't quit now, I'm tired and hung over, I'll quit tomorrow".  So after work when I'd finished yet another pack of cigarettes I bought...JUST ONE MORE! (impossible to quit when I've already smoked today right?).

This is what they call "Junkie Thinking" and man is it a bitch to fight with.  Stupid nicotine addicted part of me just will find any excuse to put this off!  Here I am again, staying up late getting in the last of my fix before I quit AGAIN tomorrow.  See, just like the typical junkie, it's always tomorrow...

Nothings changed, I still hate myself for being a smoker.  The rules are the same...Just Don't Smoke!!!  I've just lit the second to last one in the pack and when it's done and I'm done writing this post I'm tearing up the last one and going to bed, a non smoker!  really! :)

I'll have to reset my quit meter as I only lasted about 5 hours on Thursday.  Quit time will be 11:14 pm on Friday, October 23rd 2009.  Any of you think I can actually do this?  I do.  I want this.  It's the most important thing to me in my life right now.  It's the first (and hardest) step I need to take to be the person I want to be.  Changing is hard, but WTF? can't smoke forever unless I want to die of lung cancer! 

I really can't wait for my skin to start looking better and to not stink, I know that sounds vain but those are the two things that make me hate smoking the most.  Yes I know it's killing me, but that's hard to put your finger on you know?  So it's pretty, vibrant skin I'm looking for and clean smelling clothes and hair that are going to keep me motivated tomorrow.  Maybe when I go to bed tomorrow night I won't wheeze like an old person, that'd be kinda nice too.

I'd say wish me luck, but I know luck has nothing to do with it.  Wish me strength please!

Night~