A last goodbye

Well this is it!  I'm here smoking my last cigarette before drowning the rest of the pack and never smoking again!  So many emotions running through me at the moment including;
Sadness that I'm losing a companion.
Worried that I won't be able to do it even for an hour in the morning.
Anger that I ever got addicted in the first place.
Frustration that it's so damn hard to let them go even though I know they are killing me!
Loneliness.
Numb from worrying about it all the time.
Hope that I really can break free.
Doubt in myself and my inner strength.


What I'd like to be feeling is strength and determination.  I think these will come as I start to prove to myself each hour that I'm getting through it.  Currently I feel neither of these things.

I've bought a lot of fruit and healthy snacks for tomorrow and I'm just going to drink lots of water and keep telling myself that I really can do this.  A positive approach is going to be key.  Not feeling it at the moment, but I think that's pretty normal. 

I didn't end up taking the Chantix, decided to just go for it with the Welbutrin instead.  The Chantix gives me really bad insomnia, and didn't really seem to help with the depression last time.  I'm really just counting on myself to do this and the antidepressant to help in a few weeks when the depression really kicks in. 

My boyfriend might buy tickets for the Angels v. Yankees game tomorrow.  I'd love to go but almost hope he doesn't come through with them because I'd be very tempted to drink at the game and that would make things harder on me.  I have a really hard time counting on myself to do what I know is right, that's so irritating!  It makes me feel very weak, and now that I think about it, that's what smoking all these years has been about.  If I'm a smoker I have little value therefore it's ok to let myself down all the time.  Succeeding at beating this addiction for just 24 hours will give me some renewed strength to know I can be counted on.  Very important...*read this tomorrow*.

So this is goodbye to a crutch that has been with me for 21 years.  A crutch that has stolen my self esteem, my youthful appearance, my physical health, my money, my time, and my true identity.  It's time to get those things back...wish me luck!

I quit! For me!!!